mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
