Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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