at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
