She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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