Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
