as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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