mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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