so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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