How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
