I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize