Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
