Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
