WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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