tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
