Your face is a jimmy john
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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