I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
