I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
