There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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