He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
