Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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