I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
