Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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