I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
