can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
