She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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