I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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