my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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