i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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