I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
do herpes really smell.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
