Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
