I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
