Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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