Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
