Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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