i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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