I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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