If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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