he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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