I wish I could teleport
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
