I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
