I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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