i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
