Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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