Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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