"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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