first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
