I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
