Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
