my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
