Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
