Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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