The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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