Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
