My nipple is on Facebook.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
