my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
