fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
