i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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