There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
