so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
