Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
