im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He passed out mid-signature
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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